Right Speech is often tricky to understand and even trickier to put into practice. In our latest post, Adrienne Hodges shares her experience of this basic tenet of the Eightfold Path.
On International Women’s Day this year I left a private, women only, Facebook group that I have been a member of for years. A trans woman asked the administrator of the group if she could join. Rather than just agreeing to her request, the administrator decided to canvass the group for their opinions. There then followed an outpouring of fear based hate, with only a few brave souls (me included), who said that they were happy to accept her into the group. Fear and hatred was clearly the majority viewpoint, or at least the viewpoint that was being shouted the loudest.
My comment was short, to the point (that I was fine about welcoming her to the group) and sat amongst all the other comments that were nasty, vitriolic and discriminatory. However, I did decide to reply to one particular person in an attempt to quietly put an alternative perspective. I did so with some trepidation as I felt I might get a testy reply. And I did. She invited me to leave the group as I and my opinions were not wanted. There were quite a few additional remarks directed at me that I won’t repeat here. I took a step back for quite a while in order to come to a decision on what to do next. I did, briefly, consider trying to engage with her further. But wisdom got the better of me, so with some sadness, I quietly quit from the exchange and from the entire group.
All beings have Buddha Nature. Our practice is based on Love and Compassion. So for me to agree that a trans woman can join our group was a ‘no brainer’. What did require more reflection and contemplation was my reaction and response to the expression of strong opposing thoughts and feeling to my own. When is it good to speak? When is it good to stay silent? What was it that I wanted to achieve by entering into the fray of on-line discussion? I really did know that the likelihood of me changing anyone’s mind was fairly slim. I also had some further hesitation because I did not want to give more fuel to an already heated debate, nor give anyone a further opportunity to express anger and be hurtful.
Over the last couple of years I have been looking more deeply into Right Speech as a Buddhist. There are always plenty of opportunities to practise adhering to this principle. Right Speech asks us to speak in ways that reduce suffering rather than increase it. So far so simple. In reality it becomes most challenging when we are faced with strong opinions, particularly around difficult and sensitive topics such as gender, identity, and inclusion. As I experienced in my interchange on Facebook, these conversations can quickly become emotionally charged despite our best intentions . When I was tackled, rather aggressively, about my wish to be inclusive I felt that my deepest values were being challenged, misunderstood, and dismissed. My mind moved rapidly into defence: I could feel my opinions hardening, my emotions rising and I felt a compulsion to respond. I felt hurt and attacked. So in my pausing before responding and, trying my best to be mindful, I gave myself the space to wonder what else could happen aside from giving myself a chance to be calm and grounded? Could this open up the possibility to consider what might be going on in the other person’s mind? If they were also feeling misunderstood, fearful and dismissed there would be little point in responding emotionally or ramping up the dialogue.
There are few occasions when a knee-jerk reaction has led anywhere helpful. Immediate reactions often come from hurt, fear, or anger rather than clarity. As a parent I discovered many times that what looked like a crisis resolved itself without any intervention from me when I allowed space rather than rushing in. Not responding immediately can sometimes be the most skilful way. But silence can also allow harm to continue. There have been numerous times when I have silently left a conversation that, for me has turned tricky. Casual racism and sexism is everywhere. But I know how crummy I feel in my gut when I feel I could have said something but didn’t. Right Speech shouldn’t mean avoiding hard conversations. Sometimes harm must be challenged.
So what is good to do?
For many years I worked with high risk violent offenders in prison. These men had learned to communicate through aggression. If they felt judged or dismissed, they quickly became defensive or hostile. But when they experienced being listened to—without immediate condemnation—something changed. They could begin to speak differently. They could move from aggression to expression. As a team we were trained specifically to ‘get ourselves out of the way’ in order to truly try to understand that persons experience or point of view. This getting ourselves out of the way meant that we needed to stop just ‘listening’ in order to reply, correct or defeat the other person. We needed to let go of our own views and opinions, and our thoughts about their motivations and beliefs. Only then would it be possible for defensiveness to drop away and real communication could happen.
Apart from pausing to truly listen I have been looking at actual ways to speak up when, for example, someone assumes that I agree with their comments about immigrants or transgender issues. Non-Violent Communication (NVC) has been around since the 1960’s. It encourages speaking from our own experience rather than blame and uses four steps: observation, feeling, need, and request. An example of how this might work in practice might be that, instead of the rather attacking “You are being transphobic”, an NVC approach could be “when I read comments excluding trans women, I feel concerned because I would like our group to be a space where everyone is treated with respect”. The hope in trying this approach would be to invite reflection and to keep dialogue possible. I am aware that starting to speak in this way could sound rather ‘clunky’ to begin with. It will take practice – which is what we can definitely do as Buddhists – and, after a while, when we find our own voice, it should become more natural and easy.
So it seems that Right Speech begins long before we open our mouths. It begins with awareness of our own reactions, our own fears, and our own attachments to being right. It means asking ourselves – will what I am about to say (or write) reduce suffering, or increase it? Are we speaking to understand, or to win? Are we looking to open up dialogue or is what we are about to say going to close it? Am I being curious or just dogmatic? Am I trying to win the argument or am I trying to understand?
When we stand firmly in the belief that we are completely right and the other person completely wrong, dialogue usually ends. But if we recognise that each person is trying, in their own way, to express something of their inner life, then the conversation can remain human.
And finally……, science supports what spiritual traditions teach us: the words that we use will actually shape our nervous system. Studies in interpersonal neurobiology shows that hostile communication triggers the brains flight or fight response, while kind words activates the parasympathetic nervous system – the body’s natural state of calm. In other words, when we speak with love and compassion we rewire the body for empathy.
“Words Can Change Your Brain” Newberg and Waldman 2012
“The Developing Mind” D J Siegal 2012
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” Marshall Rosenberg 2003